I don’t want a remote. I don’t want special lights. I don’t want 12 settings. I don’t want an app for my phone that controls the shower from my driveway. What I want, more than anything, is to just turn it on…without having a complete meltdown.
The same goes for my television, my alarm, my bedside lamp and the list now goes on and on. For the love of all things old and easy, I just want to be able to turn things on.
During a recent conversation with our girls, their father made them promise at least one of them would marry someone technologically savvy. We don’t care for professors, doctors or CEOs – all we want is for one of them to marry someone who can fix our WiFi when it’s down.
They said technology would make life simpler. They are the 22 year olds now controlling every aspect of my low-tech 47-year-old life.
Last year, my children bought me an Alexa for my birthday. I used her all Christmas to play Christmas carols. Basically, Alexa is a high-priced radio with a snarky, know-it-all attitude.
They keep telling me, “You know mom, Alexa can do more than play music?”
So I hear, but the problem is I’d have to download the app, connect her to my WiF, and then spend hours reading Amazon blogs just so I can figure out how to have her tell me the weather forecast for either Tennessee or China. It took me almost an hour to get her to recognize the words “Alexa on,” so the fact that she can play “Jingle Bells” on command, is all I need her to do.
That and lose her judgmental tone.
And it’s not just the Alexas of the world.
My car now has a keyless start button. Problem is when I get home it takes me a half hour to get into the house, because I have to search for my keys between my purse, my jacket or somewhere laying on the floorboard of my car. When my car needed a key to start, the keys were in my hands when I got to the door. Problem solved.
Every other call I get is from someone who wants to FaceTime me. Really? You have a need to look at me to talk to me? If I’m home, I guarantee you I’ve got a facemask of some sort on and an old college sweatshirt. And considering I graduated from college more than 25 years ago, neither is a pretty site. So let’s chat the old-fashioned way please, by text.
And what happened to regular coffee pots? Ever try to make coffee in a Keurig when you run out of K-cups? You might as well swallow coffee grounds whole. And don’t even get me started about this year’s latest craze, the Instant Pot. Anytime you can cook an entire frozen roast in less than 20 minutes, then don’t come crying to me when your house explodes.
All that to say, for 2018, I’m officially giving up on technology.
Instead, I vow to go old school. You know – microwaves, cable television and reading good old-fashioned books…using my phone’s flashlight and my magnifying app.
Comments? You can email Angel Kane at firstname.lastname@example.org. Becky Andrews and Kane are the brains behind Telling Tales, a weekly column in The Democrat.