logo


no avatar

The Village Idiot: The work just never ends

Jim Mullen • Updated Aug 11, 2017 at 4:00 PM

I just saw an ad for something that promised to make my everyday chores easier and faster. I wish they’d hurry up and start making things easier. Life is tough enough, without having to deal with everyday problems. 

Today, once again, my robot vacuum missed a spot. I had to tell my smartphone to yell at it. Then I had to carry a box from Amazon into the house from the front door -- and then open it myself. Why isn’t Amazon doing all that for me already, the lazy bums? 

It’s like when I order pizza – why do I have to put that slice of delivery pizza in my mouth myself? Shouldn’t the delivery person do that for me? And why is pizza still delivered by a person? Where’s the pizza robot with a sign on his forehead that says, “I don’t accept tips”? 

Life could be so much easier if “they” worked at it. When will “they” make endless rolls of toilet paper so I never have to keep putting on new ones? All this busy work takes time away from my TV watching. If I don’t watch TV all the time, I might miss an ad for something that will make my stress-filled life easier.

I was thinking of subscribing to that service where they send you everything you need to cook a nice meal in a box when I realized that they still wanted me to slice up a carrot. I don’t think so. I want to relax when I get home from my living room. I don’t want to spend my precious time cutting up a carrot. 

And why did I have to walk from the living room to the kitchen in the first place? When I want a cold beer, why doesn’t the fridge roll into the living room at the touch of a button? Better yet, where’s my robot butler? Let him push the button. Why should I have to do everything myself?

Sure, I have a dishwasher, but I still have to load it myself and take the clean ones out and put them back on the shelf. That’s time I could be sending my political views to my remaining friends on Facebook and Twitter. There just never seems to be enough time in the day to tell everyone how wrong and stupid they are.

I was in a hardware store the other day to buy some of those lightbulbs I could turn on and off with my phone, and they had an old-fashioned rake hanging on the wall with some other tools I couldn’t identify. I asked the clerk where all the electric rakes were. He said they didn’t have any. Can you imagine that? What did he think I was going to do? Use a manual leaf rake? How long would it take to learn how to use that? Weeks, probably, maybe longer. And that’s me! How long would it take the average person? Years maybe. I guess I’ll just keep blowing leaves onto my neighbor’s lawn like I’ve been doing for years. 

Her car hasn’t moved out of the driveway for six months, and newspapers are stacking up on her front porch. I’ll go check on her in a couple of weeks – because that’s just the kind of person I am.

Why do I still have to push a button to get my windows to go up and down in my car? Why can’t I just tell the car to open the window the way I do when I text? Thank goodness I have EZ Pass so I don’t have to lower the window and hand some physical money to a complete stranger. That’s what life must have been like in the Middle Ages. No wonder everyone died so young. 

Having to push the window buttons is distracting me from driving the 10 feet to my garden tractor, which is parked in another part of the garage. Why haven’t they invented grass that doesn’t grow more than an inch and a half tall? I guess that’ll never happen. Why is life soooo hard?

Contact Jim Mullen at mullen.jim@gmail.com.

Recommended for You